Ever have those weeks when absolutely nothing is going right, you pretty much feel like a failure at everything you do, and/or all that sounds appealing is crawling back into bed to sleep? Yeah, that was me last week suffering from all these feelings and then some.
There wasn’t one monumental event that caused me to feel like a piece of crap, but rather there were several things that started small and continued to spiral until I thought I was going to scream bloody murder.
First off, Ryan was away at his family’s lake house for the entire weekend. Okay, I promise I’m not that possessive wife where we have to be together ALL THE TIME and we can never do anything without the other. I swear that’s not the case. But, when your husband only has every other weekend off work, you do cherish that time just a tad bit more. So naturally, I already was thinking ahead to the fact that he was gone that weekend and then would be working the next. Guess we wouldn’t be seeing each other much or having any date nights or time together in general.
So, I already was in a funk from being alone more than usual, and then I had the genius idea to put out a reader survey for this here space. Whether it shows or not, I have been working really hard behind the scenes to make this space the best possible blog it can be, both for myself and for those of you who choose to come here sometimes, and I genuinely wanted your feedback to make sure that I produce content that you actually want to see and read. While most of the answers were positive, encouraging and helpful, there were a handful of comments that hurt my feelings. Like, to the point that I was in tears and really was questioning whether to even come back and post. I know that I opened myself up to this possibility and that there always will be haters, but for the first time since I’ve started blogging, I did question whether or not I fit in anywhere in this online world and if this community really is as supportive as we all claim to be. (The answer is YES, of course – there unfortunately are those people in all groups, I guess).
Based on those negative comments, the rest of the week kind of got out of control. I was being pretty mean to myself whenever I looked in the mirror – nothing in my closet felt “good enough” or it made me look bad, my face looked large and round (one of my biggest insecurities), my skin was going haywire with breakouts, I decided I hated my new haircut, blah blah blah. And, on top of it, the house was/is a complete disaster since we’ve started packing up the kitchen and getting everything ready for demo day, so there’s clutter everywhere, paint cans and supplies lying around, etc. Cue the pity party, people.
Everything finally came to a head by Friday, and I had a good, long cry. Does anybody else just instantly feel better after a hardcore sob fest? It felt like I was emptying myself of all the sadness and negativity that I had been harboring the entire week. Not to mention that I was trying to rid myself of this horrible version of myself – I couldn’t stand the way that I was behaving, and that’s not the type of person that I want to be or ever want to be around (occasionally or ever, if I can avoid it!).
From there, I made a mental pact with myself. You know what it was? I choose happy. I finally poured my heart out to Ryan, which took a huge weight off my shoulders and reassured me that I have his love and support always. I turned off the computer and limited my time on my phone and social media – if it wasn’t making me happy, why continue to pour over it day and night? And, while maybe not the most fashion-forward outfits, I made sure to only wear things that didn’t require much thought and that I knew I looked and felt good in.
And, the house situation? Well, I’ve just had to resign myself to the fact that that’s how it’s going to be and look until after the renovation. You win some, you lose some. I have to keep the end result in mind.
What I’m getting at with this ramble fest is that what we see of other people’s lives and what we choose to share on social media most likely isn’t an accurate representation of what’s actually going on. Life definitely isn’t rainbows and unicorns, and it probably never will be wonderful and perfect 100% of the time – at least, that’s how I feel about my own life. There’s always going to be times of clutter and chaos, unwanted alone time, days when you’re just not feeling too cute, and of course, trolls and bullies that want nothing more than to bring you down.
Regardless of these life obstacles and constant ups and downs, I’m making the decision to choose happiness every single day – maybe not all day, everyday, but I will choose happy at some point every day of the week.
If you’re going through a rough time or just find yourself having a bad day and/or week, I hope that you take a minute to step back and choose happy, too.